Zack Bornstein
Emmy-losing Writer/Director (#Shrinking, @nbcSNL, @Netflix, @Hulu, @Dreamworks, @JimmyKimmelLive, #StrangePlanet, @NewYorker)
- By age 33 you should: -have $100k in an IRA -paid off your student loans -own property -be betrayed by your best friend -die on the cross -come back to life from a rock -have your teachings wildly misunderstood -drive a Lexus
- To optimize good sleep before bed: -Take a warm bath -Get blackout curtains -Watch 200 4-second videos 3 inches from your face -Practice deep breathing
- damn security question trying to tear apart my family
- Knowing things is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
- Coming to CBS this fall
- Do not worry, this is all going to get worse before it gets even worse
- finally a booth to sing & record on CD, can’t wait to upload my talent to the Web
- just got these, better late than never. or is it? maybe i should’ve gone with never
- hell yeah im poly, poly gonna have some pizza by myself later
- So Lumon has 0 security guards but an 80-person full-time marching band
- The half an avocado I cut open and tried to save for later
- OMG my 4-year-old just put down his Legos and said, “Movie stars are out and looking good on Hollywood’s biggest night. Who will be snubbed? And who will take home the gold? Hashtag Oscars“
- This is now the most embarrassing thing JD has done on a couch
- ive been told collar popping is back and im so sorry you had to find out this way
- Struggling to tell if it’s a good or bad thing that the person now in charge of national intelligence is a paid Russian asset and the person in charge of our health had half his brain eaten by a worm
- with the industry doing so well now, im really regretting not going into oligarchy after college
- this goes out to all the haters who said i don’t have range
- Instagram ads: Here’s the specific water bottle your were talking about yesterday and a sweater pre-selected in your favorite color 𝕏 ads: Here’s 9000 Cheech & Chong gummies and a promoted post from user TrumpsAmericaa420 that just says “the Jews”
- MILLENIAL LIFECYCLE 0-10: horny cartoons 10: see 3,000 people die live TV 10-20: be told we will change the world 20: graduate into recession w/ historic debt 20-30: scratch & crawl for stability 30: pandemic 30-40: scratch & crawl for stability 40: climate, bye
- WE👏NEED👏INCREMENTAL👏MARKET👏BASED👏SOLUTIONS👏TO👏CLIMATE👏CHANGE👏NOW👏
- Happy anniversary to the last time a Republican actually took a stand
- Midsommar / Midwintar
- lmao what kind of wiley e coyote ass painted tunnel on a wall scheme is this
- feel like his life would’ve turned out pretty different if he’d gone by Bill Wonka
- just found out I've been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that's supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I've been able to feel my scalp for the last year
- At the end of the day, we are all Americans. Sure, we have differences on policy. One side wants to give everyone healthcare and good wages. The other wants to create a white Christian ethnostate where the president can legally assassinate anyone at will. But we are not enemies.
- the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
- before phones were ppl just constantly driving to the library at night to look up if their cat can have a little bite of their dinner
- Kids always stress about whether they’re popular, and I just want to reassure them that when they grow up, that will be the #1 factor determining their career, relationships, and self-worth, so they’re dead on, smart getting ahead of it
- Boy TV shows are named “Crunch”, the guy’s name is John Crunch, he’s the biggest man we could find, and he kicks people who threaten his daughter Girl TV shows are named “The Worst Good Hurt”, it’s 6 women with secrets and unrealistic wigs who would never hang out in real life
- Happy Spider-Man Rimming Uncle Sam Day to all who celebrate
- Instagram ads: Here’s the specific water bottle your were talking about yesterday and a sweater pre-selected in your favorite color 𝕏 ads: Here’s 9000 Cheech & Chong gummies and a promoted post from user TrumpsAmericaa420 that just says “the Jews”
- Cat. If you agree please reply: Cat.
- I have never once in your life forgotten to feed you. My brother in Christ, why are you meowing at me like I’ve never given you dinner before
- The best way to tell if someone is your soulmate out of 8 billion people is if they are the third person you date in your mid-to-late 20s
- comedy is dead
- To optimize good sleep before bed: -Take a hot bath -Get blackout curtains -Watch 200 4-second videos inches from your face -Practice deep breathing
- At the end of the day, we are all Americans. Sure, we have differences on policy. One side wants to give everyone healthcare and good wages. The other wants to create a white Christian ethnostate where the president can legally assassinate anyone at will. But we are not enemies. #unity
- ah yes another beautiful morning, time to decide if I want to be informed and frozen in panic, or willfully ignorant with a numbing background dread
- knowing what’s happening is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
- this is all going to get worse before it gets even worse
- not to victim blame, but also kinda on you for eating loose shrimp guacamole in bed
- Elon’s story is an inspiring reminder that as long as your dad owns an apartheid emerald mine, you too can become the biggest loser on earth
- just from a story perspective, Trump not dying of Covid will go down as the greatest failure of narrative structure in history
- dude is a barely coherent convicted sex predator whose only platform is wanting to do more crimes, what is fucking happening
- Watching Uncut Gems to relax
