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People take seppuku so seriously. Just have fun with it.
Amazon fired me for trying to start a union and putting a snake in my boss’s Ford Bronco
Classic win win
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I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘cat
looking for:
⚪️ A relationship
⚪️ A friendship
🔘 little a salami
In hindsight, letting the witch who lives in a gingerbread house babysit for us was a terrible idea
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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I killed an ant today. One second it was alive and then it was gone. I couldn’t help thinking…die, you fucking ant
When you saw only one giant set of footprints in the sand, it was then that Godzilla carried you
Your inspirational quote saved my cat’s marriage
I love Star Wars. Princess. The rogue. Bigfoot. Angry helmet guy
Please stop joking about Star Wars. My mother died in a star war
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” None of your business
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Telling a child that mommy & daddy are getting divorced is the hardest thing about being a party clown
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I'm at this weird place in my life right now where I’m stranded on a hostile planet that’s orbiting a treacherous star
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