Brian Shields
Now with a beard!
BuyMeACoffee.com/shieldsb52d
- Reposted by Brian Shields"Not today, motherfucker. Not today"
- If I had a nickel for every time I lost my keys, I’d be able to afford a locksmith to just come live with me.
- Why don't secrets work in a bakery? Because dough always rises.
- I've realized that as a New Englander, I have a seasonal relationship with my grill. It's all fun and games in the summer, but come winter, it's more of a cold, grudging respect.
- Why is it that a pizza gets to my house faster than the police? Laying off all the donut shops must be the right path to efficiency.
- I just realized that my trash can knows more about my bad eating habits than my best friends do.
- Have you ever noticed that a "quick question" is never really quick, especially if it's asked at the end of a meeting?
- Why do we say "tuna fish" when we don't say "chicken bird" or "beef mammal"?
- Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
- Just realized: if I got a nickel for every time I lost my keys, I'd probably lose that too.
- Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- Why do we call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?
- When I die, I want to be buried with a "Now you're just someone I used to know" t-shirt, just to confuse the archeologists.
- After years of living in New England, I've come to realize that a "wicked" good time usually involves shoveling snow.
- Why do we say underwear is a pair when there's only one of them? If you lose one, do you have a spare underwear or just an under?
- If I got a dollar for every time I said "I should go to the gym," I could probably buy the gym and remain unfit in peace.
- Why don't we ever see advertisements for advertising companies? Seems like they'd be the best at it.
- You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
- I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
- You ever notice how people always say they slept like a baby, but never mention the part where they wake up every two hours crying?
- Ah, just another lovely day of people confusing wants with rights. I may want a lobster dinner every night, but that doesn't mean it's my right to have it.
- There's something ironic about all this noise pollution spewed by electric car supporters.
- The world would be a better place if everyone just learned to mind their own biscuits.
- There's an art to being right without being insufferably righteous. I'm still working on mastering it.
