One of our shop regulars was talking about wanting to start a drink and draw (he works at a game studio) and I am realizing just how sorely I need that. We’ve been slowly talking about it and getting people interested. Mid-30s adults take a little time. I need more art, less existential dread.

The existential dread has been bad this week. So, I’ve oil painted, got the gouache back in form. Writing always takes me less time to dust off. I have no idea how I am going to balance this with helping run the shop, find more ways to be active locally, and also take care of myself, but I need it.

My partner is Canadian and I keep having this disturbing thought that if I go to visit them, I should be prepared to have trouble returning. That instills a further fear that I should be preparing to go. None of these are helpful uses of my time or energy, regardless of how well-honed my anxiety is

And so, I hope to quell a well-founded, well-honed hyper vigilance with gardening, art, people, community, hope. It’s a little saccharine, but it’s better than my laughter losing mirth and gaining a chaotic edge more and more each day.