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Every time I’ve said “I’m sorry to disturb you,” has been a lie.
Please don’t put an Autobot sticker on your car if it’s not going to transform into a robot that gets the fuck out of my way.
Nothing fills an awkward silence quite like the sound of me revving a chainsaw.
The road to hell is paved with unsolicited interventions.
Roses are red,
Elephants are grey,
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It’s easier to question my sanity than your reality.
Sorry I shouted “FINISH HIM!” during your wedding vows.
The list of people I’m going to Force choke when I become a Sith Lord grows longer by the day.
It's a beautiful day to give up on someone and move the fuck on.
“How’s life treating you?”
Me: With contempt.
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You can make any insult sound Latin by adding the suffix -us.
Ask anyone called Colossus Cuntus.
I wonder if my soulmate thinks about me as much as I think about arson.
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Quiz host: We asked 100 people to name something in life that never lets you down…
Me: CHEESE
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